Interview with Joyce Allan, author of
Because I Love You - The Silent Shadow of Child Sexual Abuse
Published by Virginia Foundation for the Humanities Press, in 2002.

Q: What is the most important message you offer in Because I Love You?

JA: "The most important revelation in my family's story is that all of us know abuse survivors, all of us know perpetrators, within our circle of family and friends. These relationships, however, are deeply affected and complicated by feelings of love and guilt and shame, and habits of silence-keeping to avoid those feelings.

Q: Who is the audience for your book, and why?

JA: "This is the first book which reports on the beliefs and values which underlie silence-keeping not only by survivors, but also by their friends, family and community. It describes how silence creates what I call 'the ecology of child sexual abuse.' Ultimately the audience is everyone who knows and cares about a victim or a perpetrator, and everyone who is concerned about the emotional, physical and spiritual safety of all our children."

Q: What was it like to write Because I Love You?

JA: "When I began to uncover the extent of my father's pedophilia, to realize that my own children and countless others had been his victims, I saw that this was a story which had to be told, in order to allow people to more fully comprehend the larger context of sexual abuse. Initially, as I contacted friends and family I was apprehensive as to the responses I'd receive. But I quickly found myself surprisingly reassured that people wanted to help me tell this story."

Q: How do family and community silences affect the problem of child sexual abuse, and why do you metaphorically describe this silence as a shadow?

JA: "There are four silences: the silence of victims: the silence of those who know what is happening or has happened to victims; the silence of sexual abuse perpetrators; and the silence of those who try to protect the perpetrator. The effect of these silences is to isolate the victim, to block honest and open-hearted communication among family members - who care about both the victim and the perpetrator, and to allow the perpetrator to continue engaging in both the good and the abusive aspects of his life.
"In psychological terms we call unspoken aspects of the self which involve shame the 'shadow persona.' Silences that we maintain about abuse are a kind of social shadow, one which goes with us every place we go, looming larger or smaller in different lights. It is the presence of this shadow that none of us is discussing."

Q: How has child sexual abuse impacted the life of you and your family?

JA: "The abuse through five generations in my own extended family has created an unspeakable degree of pain and suffering in the child victims, torn individuals and families, and divided their loyalties and responsibilities to both victims and perpetrators. It has caused families to live in a great deal of isolation, with feelings of shame and fear of public scrutiny. It has deeply damaged the parent-child and the marriage relationships in every generation. It continues to create patterns of secrecy and mistrust. There are on-going wounds, tender and painful areas within many members of my extended family, that will never go away."

Q: You note that child sexual abuse creates "unspeakable" suffering. How do you reconcile this with your larger recommendation for speaking about what people know of the abuse?

JA: "I don't believe that any kind of horror, tragedy or evil is truly unspeakable, particularly among communities of witnesses and advocates. But it takes a great deal of courage to face horror. It is too much to ask an adult survivor, much less a child, to face or re-face alone the suffering they have endured. I believe what is required is for all of us to become witnesses and advocates, to have the courage and find the skills to deal more willingly with grief, rage, and complex moral issues."

Q: What do you hope could occur as the result of one's reading Because I Love You?

JA: "Many studies have concluded that approximately twenty-five percent of Americans have been sexually assaulted as children. So my simplest and most general hope is that the book will allow readers to recognize themselves and members of their own families and communities in this story. I hope they'll have a new appreciation for the secrecy and pain survivors are living in, and will be inspired to speak to others about what they know."

Q: Why have people been unwilling to speak?

JA: "During the seven years it took to write my book, in fact I have not found that people are unwilling to speak. Once they understand that they will be heard and not judged they are very ready to speak. They need to believe there is a true interest in their point of view and personal experiences. I also believe that almost all people are caring. They want to help, to make a difference. They will speak about this hard subject if they understand how much it can help someone else."

Q: But how can such speaking actually change this terrible societal problem?

JA: "Very importantly, it will allow victims and their families to emerge from the shadow of shame as they realize that others feel compassion and want to help. Also it will encourage those who know perpetrators to recognize it is still possible to love a person who may have done horrible things. Finally, breaking the social silence around this topic has the potential to make remarkable changes in individuals' mental health, in family relationships, and even in the tremendous medical, legal and social service costs of child sexual abuse.
"At the conclusion of my book I offer both a website and list of suggestions for how readers might begin to speak."

Because I Love You - The Silent Shadow of Child Sexual Abuse
To order: 800-290-6203
Publicist: 434-823-5673
Fax: 434-823-7665
Email: speak@cville.net