Author/Psychotherapist Says Speaking Can Prevent Damages of Child Sexual Abuse

The act of silence-breaking may be the single most important factor in treating our national epidemic of child sexual abuse. This is the opinion of psychotherapist, psychiatric nurse, child activist and author Joyce Allan, whose new book Because I Love You: The Silent Shadow of Child Sexual Abuse has just been published by the Virginia Foundation for the Humanities Press.

The book offers important keys for coming to terms with, as well as beginning to resolve, the traumas caused by pedophile and incest abuse, and appears just as new pedophile scandals have enveloped the Catholic Church. Quoting Ecclesiastes, Allan's website reminds us "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven… a time to keep silence, and a time to speak."

Preventing abuse is the work of adults, not children
Because I Love You shows how, for the most part, it has been left to victims themselves to expose the injustices done by pedophile abuse. This reveals one of the primary and terrible ironies of our current policies surrounding child sexual abuse, says Allan. "Preventing or reporting this sort of abuse shouldn't be the responsibility of children," she insists. "This is the job of adults, of the rest of us."

"Yet much of our present focus relies on the education of children regarding "safe touch-saying No," she continues. "Children are neither emotionally or psychologically equipped, during the developmental stages prior to adulthood, to make distinctions among abstract issues of power, authority, loyalty and love."

In our efforts to protect the children, we can end up re-abusing them in several ways:

• The first problem that arises is that if the child tells, the child may not be believed.
  
• Second, since often we are asking our children to report someone whom they authentically love, we make the child the agent of breaking off the love.
  
• Third, as a result of their report, the loved one may be subjected to job-loss, divorce, or even prison.
  
• Fourth, by testifying in court, the child is re-abused.
  
• Fifth, a perpetrator reported by a child may fail to be convicted and remain the home or community. This creates an even greater betrayal of trust for the child.
  

"Secrets breed more secrets," says Allan "This happened in my own family. It happens in families across America. Today we are seeing how pedophile priests, often for long years or decades, kept a primary secret. Church leaders who knew persuaded themselves it was best to assist in this, creating a second level of silences. Now press reports confirm that survivors were paid hundreds of millions in reparations for 'maintaining confidentiality' about what occurred, adding a tertiary level of secrets.

News reports about abuse and their effects on abuse survivors
Current news stories of clerical abuse have the potential to re-stimulate readers' memories of child sexual abuse, clerical or non-clerical, which happened to them. Psychotherapist Allan suggests important sets of questions that four different categories of readers can ask themselves:

1) It happened to me -
Have the recent news stories about pedophilia and child sexual abuse reminded you of silences within your own family or community? Were you abused as a child? Did you tell anyone? What was their response to your telling the secret?

2) I know it happened to someone else -
Do you know anyone in your family or community who was abused as a child? How did you learn about it? Were you told to keep it a secret?

3) I don't believe it happened -
If you aren't personally aware of child sexual abuse events in your community, do you believe that none exists? Given the statistic that one in four girls and one in six boys were abused, is your belief realistic? Who might know about child sexual abuse events that occurred in your family and be keeping it a secret from you?

4) I don't believe speaking out helps -
Why do you think people keep silent about child sexual abuse of which they have knowledge? Who does this silence really protect? What would happen to one's family or community if everyone knew the truth? Why are we afraid of the truth?

Resolving abuse trauma
There are many things families and communities can do to both resolve and heal the traumas of abuse, reports Allan, who has been a lecturer and trainer on the topic for over fifteen years. Among them are:

1) Encourage matter-of-fact discussion of child sexual abuse allegations and reports, without condemning either victim or perpetrator. When we encourage non-blaming conversation, we create an atmosphere where people feel free to divulge and begin healing, rather than staying silent and keeping truth repressed.

2) Don't interrogate or confront family or community members about what they know or have done. Instead, talk openly about what you yourself know, or what you have done/are doing about the child sexual abuse in your family or community.

For example, you could say: These are people I have spoken with about the abuse. I have written to my cousin, who is in prison for abuse. I've had phone talks with other cousins about it. I got a letter from one cousin, threatening me if I exposed the abuse.

In this manner, others can feel invited in, rather than feeling challenged, blamed, or place on the spot.

If you were abused, or know someone who was:

1) Develop the courage to tell people.

2) Believe it's OK to talk about it. Remember, you, the survivor, did not do anything wrong.

3) If someone in your family is a perpetrator, tell people about this. How can we ask our children to do this, if as adults we ourselves won't do so.

4) Together with safe adult family members and friends, adult survivors can watch videos or movies that deal with themes of child sexual abuse. This can allow openings to begin talking about what happened.

5) Remember that speaking about incest and child sexual abuses do not need to be confined to a therapist's office. Adult education programs, women's organizations, school organizations, pastoral counselors and others are more than qualified to contribute to such community discussions.

A partial list of recent films that explore issues of child sexual abuse:
A Thousand Acres
Delores Claiborne
The Color Purple
Prince of Tides
Nuts
Lolita
The Cider House Rules